Mental healthy and not

there was a lockdown and towards the end of it my Nan died. it was and wasn't a shock. she had not long ago reached 100.

i have a real need to go to the ocean when i want to sort my head out, but lockdown and responsible travel restrictions that we (as a household) have put on ourselves means that i probably won't be getting to a proper beach with waves for a while yet.
the closest place to my heart is a hotspot, yet again.

it's so hard. it's just so fucking hard.

it's hard to describe the deep need that i have, it's hard to make other people understand.

there's a particular texture to the sand on the other side of the country and it's there that i fell in love with swimming at the beach in the huge waves...the long hot run across the beach.
we don't have that kind of place here, though there is a quiet place that is close to my heart and i know it would help.

i'm incredibly fortunate. i have a job that is secure, princessdiscordia has a job that is secure, potateen is safe and well with their dad.

my princess and i have snagged our first round of pfizer and my back is pretty much good again.

i saw a different physio to my usual and i think he tried the "your back is sore because you're fat", but i'm not sure if i mis-heard his comment or he didn't say his full thought.
i had made another appointment with him, but i think i'll try to get back to my usual person.

i don't want calm blue sea.
i want rough ocean waves to battle.